Frenzied

Crazy-slammed at everything in life. This week's post will have to be POSTPONED or outright cancelled. But if you want some general movie-related thoughts:

It is hard to remember a worse casting decision than that which dropped Renee Zellweger into Leatherheads. She is so clearly out of her league playing in the Hepburn mold that she sunk the entire movie in 2 scenes (it was taking on water before this, but yeeeeeesh is she horrible here). There are few movies I have actively chosen to stop watching on the grounds that I no longer wished to spend time with them, and this is one of them. George Clooney clearly has some good chops as a director, but his body of work as a director reveals that he is in dire need of an editor who will shape his stabs at sophisticated style into a unified piece.

GET OFF MY LAWN!

Sitting in an audience of older folks (most of them no doubt bought senior tickets) and middle-aged couples or 2 middle-aged women while watching a French film makes me feel like I've just given money to NPR. Can anyone confirm if I'm getting a tote bag?

I've come to dread this particular demographic in a theater more than a gaggle of rambunctious text-messaging teens. Teens are necessarily self-centered and have to posture at all times or they will suffer the consequences of exile. I can't excuse their behavior, but I understand it. However, the people in this NPR sort of crowd have the bleary-eyed look of breeders with assortments of 2.5 kids and have no doubt had to teach their children movie manners at some point or other. And, yet, they sit there, whispering to one another as loudly as they can, trying to be heard over the horrifying din of something other than themselves. Their comments echo about the theater, but because they've made an attempt to whisper, they believe they are invisible to all. Do they forget? Are they bad parents?

The most common thing heard in this crowd is "what's going on?" or "is that the same guy from before who bought the car..." Such things fill me with an inappropriate rage, as it is the very same impulse to instantly quash all mystery that favors the cheap and easy to digest over a challenging experience. Worse than the confused, though, is the barely-together middle-aged couple who have lost all interest in one another and are at the movies to have some semblance of a shared experience. As they joke about the movies and how these things remind them of their kids, trying to ask them to be quiet is seen as an affront to their marriage. They will circle the wagons against such an onslaught and wonder how you could possibly be so bothered.

I realize that I'm fighting a losing battle here, and yet I must do what I can to beat back the tide. I blame stadium seating most of all; people lose the notion that they are not one, but pieces of a unified whole. However, it is not just this technological innovation to blame. I saw Juno in an old-school theater and suffered through a non-ceasing babble from a horrid, horrid woman. I believe she feared that she would die if she didn't stop talking, and so treated my left ear to a recitation of J.K. Simmons' filmography and her judgement of the wisdom and likability of the characters onscreen. I leaned back and pleaded to her in a whispery voice, "Please stop talking," but she persisted. As a pacifist, I don't know what to do when people, asked nicely, refuse to consider the needs of others. Luckily, I'm also a trained passive aggressor, and I simply started repeating things she said loudly. At one point, she asked her seat mate, "Did that guy just say what I said?"

This may have been the only moment of introspection in her life. But she soon went back to babbling, and I got a nasty look from the woman sitting in front of me. As I tried to whisper my plan to her, she simply looked embarrassed for me and punched me in the face. As a result, I thought Juno was overrated.

NOTE: There is a big difference between having discussions with your seat mate and laughing at funny things or expressing surprise at a plot twist or cheering an action scene. Don't try to nail me on that technicality.

A Dream Come True!

You guys! Hulu's got ALL THREE Karate Kid movies (The Next Karate Kid is not canon, I don't care what anyone says) available for watchems! You can enjoy these films in your living room at the touch of a button and then finish off with a quick take-in of Me, Myself, and Irene? The future just keeps on getting here!

In the heat of the night

It's going to be 105 or something degrees today here in Portland. No air conditioning.

People told me that when I moved to Portland, I would grow weary of the cold rain and the clouds. This has not happened.

End of Days

This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
This is the way the world ends
Not with a bang but a whimper.

Lakeview Terrace

When I saw the trailer for Stealth in 2005, I was absolutely delighted. From this preview, it looked to be a perfectly silly B-movie of the highest order. The premise, the characters, and their attitudes just screamed a goofy good time, no more so than when Jessica Biel, after seeing the new AI-controlled super-plane, says, "What are they going to replace us with a bunch of machines?" Throw in the old "lightning strike turns robot into a self-aware killing machine" plot and I'm already giggling. There's something about a ridiculous, high-concept premise like this played seriously that promises a logically challenged, but internally consistent work. Something that feels like it may have been produced by computers trying to approximate human art.

I never saw the movie. At the time I wasn't seeing many movies, but I was also protecting myself. If Stealth had been anything but a cracking, silly ride, made competently but ignorantly, it would have crushed me.

The Trailer in Question


But wait! Here comes Lakeview Terrace, a film that, from the trailer, looks to be as goofily serious as Stealth. The premise is high-concept, thin, and ridiculous, but the execution looks completely earnest. And among the plot mechanics, there seems to be something going on about wildfires that inspires actual interest.

Lakeview Terrace


I probably won't see this movie either. I've already seen both of them in my mind. They're both directed by John Carpenter, and they both make me happy on cold, rainy days.

The future is here.

http://www.neave.com/television/

This is how we have all begun to watch. Death to videodrome. Long live the new flesh.

It is a sign

RING THE BELLS! WARN THE MAYOR! PROTECT MCCLANAHAN AT ALL COSTS!

THE TIME IS UPON US! GOD HELP US ALL!

FROM THIS MOMENT ON, NO ONE WILL SHOOT IF YOU DON'T STOP!

ESTELLE GETTY IS DEAD!

ESTELLE GETTY IS DEAD!


ESTELLE GETTY IS DEAD!


ESTELLE GETTY IS DEAD!


ESTELLE GETTY IS DEAD!

A bit of good news

I have been chosen to be an entertainment blogger for the website for a(some) TV station(s) in North Carolina. Starting with this week's review of Wall-E, my work is being republished at this site:

http://www.news14.com

Today the Wall-E review is on the front page under "features".

Long Live Stan Winston

Just adding my voice to the fray. I can't even remember when I became familiar with his name, but his creature creations had a heavy influence on significant portions of my childhood and adolescence. Terminator, Aliens, and Edward Scissorhands would not have been the life-shaping experiences they were without his work. Hell, I even have a soft spot for his directorial effort Pumpkinhead and that beast from The Relic. Hearing that he'd passed was a gut-punch. It's incredibly odd to be affected by the death of someone you've only known through their work, who you would most likely never have known or met or interacted with in any meaningful way. It rings with a slight embarrassment, like remembering when you were a teenager and locked yourself away and cut yourself because The Beatles were breaking up, or something. And yet, the sadness remains, along with the knowledge that any chance you might have had to know, meet, or interact with this person whose work touched you and whose thoughts and insights might have taught great lessons is gone forever.

Thanks for the monsters.

Surprise Party

I just did something I haven't done in forever. I went to the movies and bought a ticket for a movie about which I had nearly no knowledge. The film was The Strangers,and I only knew (vaguely at that) that it was a horror film.

I seriously think it's been since seeing The Usual Suspects that I've gone into a movie with so little foreknowledge.

The movie was all right. Read about it on Sunday. Or Monday as it happens.

I am ignoring the Sex and the City movie because I completely missed the boat on the show. I'm happy, though, to see that there's a culturally significant, no-doubt shitty movie out there that plays primarily to women rather than men for once. The theater was crawling with women, all in the same demographic, all buying tickets for this film. You go girls. I'M NOT A MISOGYNIST!

Things that happened to me last week

1. I became terrifyingly ill.
2. While sick, I watched The Golden Compass, intending to write about it. After seeing it, I felt the less said about this horribly mediocre movie, the better. No need to further beat this sorry thing down.
3. I completed re-watching the previous three Indiana Jones films in preparation for the release of the fourth movie this Thursday. My girlfriend and I have been watching 1 of these per week for the past three weeks. It goes without saying that Raiders of the Lost Ark is the best of the lot, and I still find that I like Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade the least of all three, despite age making Temple of Doom's horrifying flaws much more apparent than before. It's just that Temple, for all of its problems, is a bit more pure, more of a stand-alone piece (it wouldn't have been as good an introduction to the character as Raiders, but could stand alone outside of Raiders) whereas Crusade has the lazy air of franchise around it. And let's be clear: I love all three films like favored members of a family.
4. I turned 30.
5. My ever dreamy girlfriend somehow gave me an Xbox 360 Elite and Grand Theft Auto 4 on my birthday (my "gamertag" is Docpotato if anyone cares).
6. I forgot about everything else for several days in a row.

See you after Indiana Jones and the Skull of Crystal Meth (or WHATEVER) comes out.

Comment troubles & other stuff

Something's going on with the comments... I'm not getting emails when I receive a comment anymore. So, to all who have commented since the There Will Be Blood review, I just saw them for the first time! Most importantly, I was asked if I will take requests on films to review and the answer is yes.

1900 was fun to live blog. I think it pretty well documents how I watch movies. I am extremely generous and excited as I begin to watch most films. With 1900, I had reservations, but was "with" the movie for an hour and a half and then slowly began to feel the piece unravel. But even though it lost me, I was still willing to stick with it and find the pearls that it had to give. This is how I watch movies. It's also an embarrassing document of how easily I lose track of who's who in films. It took me several viewings to fully understand the relationships in the Godfather films.

There's Nothing in the Rule Book That Says a Monkey Can't Play Basketball

The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.
- Alfred Hitchcock

Nothing's more boring than a blog post apologizing for the lack of blog posts (particularly when the title of the site contains an explicit promise as to the author's commitment). So, knowing I still owe a second review from the week before last as well as the review for the 20th of March, I propose these 2 special events as recompense:

The first special event will be occurring this Thursday, the 27th,... a live-blogged review of the 5 and 1/2 hour cut of 1900. I will be writing as I watch and then summarizing the whole experience in more typical review format afterwards.

The 2nd special event is a compiled instant message chat with my partner, Tara, on the subject of the recent remake of Funny Games, either the original or the remake are films that should be seen yet feared by all. This is TBD, we've seen the film, but finding the hours or so to chat about it is a bit tricky.

And then look for me to publicly flagellate myself for letting my 2 faithful readers down in the month of March. I favor the flail.

Celebrity Ice Capades - Part Two

Celebrity Ice Capades

Chudsploitation

I just had to give a link to this...

Devin Faraci, a great writer working for CHUD, has started a new online column called "Chudsploitation." The focus is on weird, lesser-known, grimy, exploitation films, exploring his (our) fascination with them, and the like. He's kicked it off with an incredible write-up of a movie named Addio Zio Tom, and from this insightful, articulate, and funny article it sounds like it's one of those appalling-yet-too-fascinating-to-dismiss movie watching experiences. Kudos to Mr. Faraci for his work here; it is both a good review and good reportage. It's great to see a piece like this in the morass of movie-related websites (this site included) that feels worthwhile and necessary.

Read it here.

No Review

Am having an insane week. No time for love.

2 reviews next week as punishment.

Explanations/Intentions

This post feels like it's more for me than for anyone else, but for thems as wants to know:

My intent here is to post a review of 1 or more movie a week. I am going to do this for a year and then see how I feel.

I've added a donate button to the sidebar in case anyone appreciates what I'm doing and is feeling generous. I'd like to offer something special back to those who donate, but I haven't quite figured out what that might be. I'm thinking about it. I'm currently unemployed, so any amount of money helps fund my Netflix fees, as well as trips to the theater (which will otherwise be small in number for financial reasons).

I'm planning on changing the site around a little more as well, with better organization and browsing of past reviews.

The ultimate goal here is to hone my craft, watch more movies with a critical eye, and have fun.

Any suggestions of films to see are welcome. Any contrary opinions are thoroughly enjoyed. Debate in the comments is encouraged.